It’s weird what bodily functions are polite to talk about because every human being eats and goes to the bathroom and has sex, but of those three, only eating is acceptable to talk about in polite society. And if you talk about the other two while someone is eating, they’ll reprimand you. They’ll be like, “hey, we’re eating here.” That never works the other way around. No one’s ever like, “For our specials tonight, we have tortellini with marinara sauce,” and you’re like, “Do you mind? I am trying to masturbate.”
I heard this bit on “The Mulaney” show the other night (love John Mulaney, but I’m sad to say that it’s a pretty terrible show. Just sayin’) and it made me think of a story that Asher wrote to me in a letter back in July that we still laugh about frequently. It has to do with one of his childhood masturbation sessions.
Of course, you can act like you don’t want to hear this story because it’s wrong or impolite, but the truth is that you do want to hear it because if you were ever a sexually curious or horny adolescent (which you WERE!!), you have an embarrassing masturbation story of your own. There’s no way you don’t so just stop lying to yourself. I promise that reading what happened to Asher as a pre-teen will make you feel better about yourself.
These are Asher’s words, taken directly from his letter that I had to rifle through my closet for about 20 minutes in order to find, so you should be grateful to be able to read it, dammit!
“I used to grind-urbate stuff in the closet. Pillows, sleeping bags, my hand, whatever was handy. I got caught once by my mom…who was giving my aunt and uncle a tour of the house…(No, seriously. This happened). I had just enough time to sit up and cover my shit with the sleeping bag I was fucking at the time. They didn’t see dick, but it was obvious I was naked cause my legs were sticking out the sides. (You’re laughing your ass off right now, aren’t you? Me too. Back then I was MORTIFIED though). My mom was like, “Oh. Uh, what are you doing, son?” I was like, “…Rafting.” (Well, it kinda looked like I was on a raft!) (Or like I was trying to wear the sleeping bag like a huge diaper.) She was like, “Rafting?!” I was like, “RAFTING!!! JUST…GO AWAY!” And my aunt and uncle were looking in over her shoulder…but they weren’t admiring the walk-in closet, I assure you.”
I don’t even care how many times I’ve heard this story – it still kills me every single time. (Don’t worry, I totally had permission to share this!)
So there you have it, ladies and gents. Convicted felons have embarrassing masturbation stories just like the rest of us! I defy you to go relive the painful memory of your own without thinking of this one from now on and realizing that your childhood really wasn’t THAT humiliating after all. And if this one didn’t top yours off…I demand that you share. You’ll feel better – I promise.