Time for another Ask Asher!! (And no, contrary to popular opinion, that is not pronounced ‘Ass-Gasher.’). For this one I answer a reader question.
Big Booty Beebs writes: Dear Asher, my boyfriend tells me he loves me, but I think he might just be saying it. How can I tell if he’s telling the truth?
And I reply: Dear Beebs, ask him.
And she replies: Dear Asher, stop being a dick and tell me how I can REALLY tell if he loves me or not.
And I reply: Dear Beebs, what a great question! And may I answer, first off, with an anecdote:
Dick and Jane are having sex. Dick is nearing climax when Jane suddenly stops and says, ‘Dick! Do you love me?!’
Well, Dick – he just keeps his cool. He smiles, continues pumping. Hard. And then, feeling his load emerging, looks at Jane and says, ‘Love? I can’t say for sure, but here in about 10 seconds we’ll both know!’
….Do you understand? No? ‘What does it all meeeean, Asher?’
It’s simple, my friend – you wanna know if a guy loves you, then watch how he acts right after he gets off. A guy just in it for the sex or for the chase will become instantly distant. He may be grateful for a moment but he’ll itch BAD to move on to some other non-you activity. No thought of cuddling, no thought of orgasm reciprocation, no thought of you. (Which is why you always get yours first while he’s still horny. DUH!)
And it’s not that he’s an asshole, per se, he’s just not in love.
Well, wait – correction. If he said he loves you just to get some, then yes, he’s an asshole. (And yes, by all rights he should reciprocate, even if he’s already done. But still…) Other than that, he’s not an asshole.
Now. Let’s talk crushes for a minute, as opposed to steady boyfriends. Say you meet a guy in a coffee shop and end up sleeping with him. How can you tell if he now wants to date or if he just wanted a one night stand?
Seriously? You don’t know?
I JUST TOLD YOU!
How did he act once he got off?!
‘But Asher,’ you say, ‘isn’t there a way to tell BEFORE I sleep with him?’
….Ummm… that’s a little tougher. But suffice it to say, if you really want him to like you for more than a one night stand, he probably doesn’t, and if you really don’t, he probably does. ….Yeah I know, that sucks, right? But it’s true – it’s all about the reacher/settler relationship. Who’s reaching for the sex and who’s settling? Who’s chasing who? Who needs it more, who just plain wants it more? You want what you can’t have, you know? The reacher always wants it and the settler could care less. ‘Meh.. Why not? I got nothin else to do.’ It’s life. It’s human nature. (It’s ‘the game.’)
But hey, try this: if you want it and don’t think he does, then tease a little. Go slow. Force yourself to give attention to another guy too – add some healthy competition into the mix. Even out the reacher/settler odds a bit, you know? And then, when you do end up having sex, use lots of foreplay but with steady progression – that way he gets off HARD, but only when you LET HIM. I personally LOVED it when girls did that to me.
For now though, I must leave you. Best wishes to you for a wonderfully fulfilling love life, Beebs. Keep on searching til you find a GOOD one, okay? And keep that big booty bouncin. 🙂
Hey Asher, what types of people populate prisons?
Asher: Woooah, what a great question! In response I’ve come up with 16 Prisoner Archetypes to share with you. Check these out – and remember, they ‘re all based on REAL people! (Sadly enough, many of them are based on the SAME person.)
Okay, first of all I feel I need to define two things – inmate and convict. In prison slang, an ‘inmate’ is a brown-nosing, goody-goody play-it-safer while a ‘convict’ is someone who is a tough bad-ass who will break rules and break faces to maintain his current level of pride. Many prisoners feel there is no in between, and most prisoners feel they are the latter, no matter what messed up shit they’ve done to get locked up or how they’ve acted since they were locked up. It gets pretty comical, to say the least. Nevertheless, now you know what I’m talking about.
Oh, and you also must realize that these types are by and large based on severe overcompensation for shortcomings and an inability to not give a shit about what people think of you. So, where applicable, I’ll be sharing with you the Archetype’s M.O. – Method of Overcompensation.
Right. So – Prisoner Archetypes (Part I) 10-28-2015
1. The SPC – Self-Proclaimed Convict – This is the guy that talks SO much about how he’s a convict and how everyone should be a convict, that you know he’s not really a convict.
M.O. – He’s usually making up for one severely wussy act – a snitching or being in on a really fucked up case..
2. The Zealot – This is the guy that goes hardcore-religious for no apparent reason shortly after getting locked up. The religion doesn’t matter – Christian, Catholic, Muslim, Judaism – it’s all in the fact that he goes from heathen criminal to preaching prophet overnight, and by week’s end is pronouncing judgment on all nearby sinners.
M.O. – He feels guilty for doing something fucked up on the outside, and is working his way back into purity, heaven, or ‘god’s good graces’ by saving sinners (forcibly) or enduring the ‘holy’ persecution that naturally comes with being a total douche.
3. The Pseudo-Hustler – This is the guy that thinks he’s ultra-smooth and has the gift of gab as well as the ability to manipulate anyone for anything, yet, much like the SPC, he goes so far overboard that you know right away he’s just a wannabe. He’ll often have no friends yet think everyone is his friend. He’ll want to take you aside to ‘talk at you for a second,’ and will have some kind of business deal on the table at all times – usually a deal he has no intention of fulfilling or even completing and often one that will in time land both of you in the hole. (Again, because he is NOT smooth.) He just wants to be seen as ‘the slick businessman’ and so tries to put off that vibe all the time. …He’s ridiculous.
M.O. – The dude needs some sort of respect and gets none. Instead of fighting for it he tries to pose as a big baller. This archetype applies to all races but – sorry black guys – most pseudo-hustlers are yours!
4. The Predator… (WIth a Defective Cloaking Device) – Again, a guy who thinks he’s smooth when he’s not – only his ‘smoothness’ lies in trying to manipulate other prisoners into sex. (Usually the younger, smaller, whiter prisoners.) This guy is MUCH like the SPC and the Pseudo-Hustler, right down tot he fact that everyone knows he’s a Pseudo himself…
Let me rename this one, more aptly:
There. Now things line up a bit better.
Pseudo-Predator’s M.O. – He’s lonely, horny, and disgusting. Usually a rapo of some sort. There is no love to his game, only some form of unclean fucking that’s bound to mess up his victim’s head. (Then again, ‘Welcome to prison!’ Right?? …Ick. I’ve been here too long.)
…That’s it for Part I. Tune back in soon for the next four!
Prisoner Archetypes (Part II) 10-31-2015
5. The Gay in Denial – This is the guy that either gets sucked up or does the fucking (by or on a peezy – that being a prison punk – that being a bitch, or a guy who plays a submissive sexual role in prison), and so believes that since he’s not the submissive he’s still straight. …Word on the street is, he’s not. 🙂 Humorously enough, if you didn’t know he was actually gay, you’d think this guy was homophobic by the way he talks about other gays. …A strange, strange being.
M.O. – No real overcompensation here. He’s just deluded and afraid of being labeled gay – usually because his friends, (who are also often Gays in Denial, and usually not even his real friends when shit hits the fan), would look down on that.
6. The Leech – This is the guy that asks you to give him something small, (a soup, a shot of coffee, an envelope, etc.) EVERY GODDAMN DAY. He usually has money himself, (at least enough to buy coffee or soups or envelopes), but knows that he can get it free from other people so chooses not to buy any off of commissary. He doesn’t like taking no for an answer, and will try everything from guilt-tripping to insulting you to get what he wants. He is shameless and incredibly annoying.
M.O. – Perhaps he’s overcompensating for having no money on the streets and so now hoards what little he has like a leprechaun’s gold? (At the low, low cost of his own dignity.)
7. The Lion-Turned-Lamb, or the PC-To-Be – This is the guy that’s been telling everyone he’s in on a hard case when, come to find out (once his paperwork gets researched), he’s in on something sick or shady (or both). He will instantly go from roaring lion to downright sheepish, and if his case is fucked up enough, he may even check into PC. (Protective Custody.)
M.O. – His claim of being in on something ultra-hard is clear-cut overcompensation for the weak or disgusting thing he’s actually in on.
8. The Barker – This guy is all bark, no bite. All presentation, no actual action. He’s gotten real good at talking tough and acting like he can back it up, but he is most often the first one to run from a fight or cower once the fists start flying.
M.O. – The tougher you try to make yourself look in prison, the weaker or more afraid you usually are. (That applies on the streets too, matter of fact.) …Ever wonder why the real badasses never talk about how bad they are? Mmmhm. Because THEY DON’T HAVE TO.
Part III coming soon! Stay tuned!
Prisoner Archetypes (Part III) 11-05-2015
9. The Coiled Cobra – This is the guy that feels he deserves more respect than he’s getting – and has felt this way for some time, actually. Long enough that he’s about to snap. Inevitably this snap will come on the wrong person, someone who’s just hoking with him or happens to look at him in a weird way. Yes, the Coiled Cobra wants a fight. Needs a fight. A fight with anyone. A fight to show people that he will fight and that he should be taken seriously.
M.O. – Pretty obvious. Overcompensation for being underestimated.
10. Goliath – This is the guy who only fights guys half his size, and eventually gets beat up by one of them. (It usually doesn’t take long either.) …And everyone in the kingdom laughs. No one wants to mess with Goliath cause he’s huge, see, and he’s used to people not wanting to fight him/being afraid of him. He’s never had to be tough so he never got tough. And then comes David, who’s both learned to be tough AND smart, and that’s it. Game over. Goliath falls, his size helping him not in the least.
Ahhh, don’t you love it when I get Biblical on your ass?
M.O. – Goliath overcompensates for being so small on the inside. I guess. 🙂
11. Mr. Mysterio – This guy has a heavy creep vibe, but it’s hard to figure out which one it is. (Usually he turns out to be a cho-mo or otherwise-sexual miscreant.) (…A cho-mo is a child molester.) It’s true, there are other creep vibes to choose from – usually involving some sort of PTSD, general paranoia, or some type of mental illness – and so it’s best to give Mr. Mysterio the benefit of the doubt until his case is fully known.
Note: Sometimes Mr. Mysterio’s just randomly appear as transfers from other states. Trusting them is not recommended until their case has been researched.
M.O. – Not much overcompensation for this guy, though often he falls into more than one archetype and that other one will come with an overcompensation. (Ex: ‘Everybody’s Helper’ – Note: this is actually a subtype of the Zealot, so I didn’t give it its own category, but often a Mr. Mysterio will also be an Everybody’s Helper – that being a guy who is OVERLY nice and helpful to everyone so he can maintain friends, even though he’s in on a sick-ass case.)
12. The Laughing Lifer – This is the Lifer who has lost all his appeals (or just for whatever reason pled out to Life to begin with) and has fully accepted his fate. No freedom to look forward to, no parole date, no need to even think about such things. His hope is gone but so too is his stress, so fuck it! All he can do is laugh, right? Kick back with his feet up and mellow out.
Laughing Lifers are some of the most fun and interesting people you’ll ever meet. They are one of the few types of prisoners that are NOT bitter or angry at all. They’re relaxed. They’re content. They can enjoy the small things free people take for granted. They can laugh at life. 🙂
M.O. – No overcompensation. No need for it.
Prison Archetypes (Part IV) 12-11-2015
13. The Pocket Cop – This is the guy that snitches on all his fellow prisoners for any type of gain at all. Could be a better General Population level, could be a better cell, could be just to get the job of the person they are snitching on – could be anything, really. This type bears no shame. Bad things happen to Pocket Cops, eventually – even the cops look down on him because of the shit-eating weasel he is. They will turn on him as fast as his fellow prisoners and then he’s in REAL trouble.
M.O. – I’m not sure how much overcompensating he’s doing – I think he’s just jumping on any small advantage he can, no matter the cost. He doesnt think about long-term consequences, or doesn’t think they’ll ever affect him. (‘This is a soft camp,’ I’ve heard one of them say. ‘Nothin’s ever gonna happen to me.’)
14. The Prowling Pervert – This guy often starts as a Mr. Mysterio until he gets caught the first time – gets caught masturbating, that is. Usually it’s somewhere public-yet-hidden, and usually it’s done while he ogles a nearby female guard, nurse, or other staff member. Often he’ll do the ‘hole in the pocket’ trick so he can be slightly more discreet in his self-ministrations. …Creepy, right? Well that’s usually just phase one. Phase two is worse yet – it’s when this prisoner gets his dick out and starts beating off, there in his cell, knowing that a female guard, nurse, or other staff member is going to walk by soon. It’s an exhibition, is what it is. An unsolicited exhibition. And it comes with definite hole-time. (Comes with. hehe)
M.O. – His overcompensation comes from being locked up without any of his own specific brand of sick-ass porn to watch or women to inappropriately touch like he had out in public. So he has to slink in the shadows, or get behind his cell bars before baring his shit for the females to see.
…You know, it’s not prison that sucks so much ass.. It’s the prisoners…
15. The Overreactor – This is the guy who gets his ego severely bruised by a weird look or an accidental brushing you as you pass. He’ll immediately melt down, claim you disrespected him and want to fight. He really does want to fight too. Unless you’re a big or a known bad-ass. Then he just mumbles under their breath and gives you dirty looks. 🙂 (…No, I’m not big or a known bad-ass. I’ve just seen this happen a lot.)
M.O. – Not coincidentally, Overreactors are usually small timers – five or ten year sentences. They feel their crime isn’t up to par with the rest of the prisoners and so turn all ‘Maximus Decimus Meridius’ on everyone. (That means they turn Gladiator. …If you caught the reference then you’re a geek like me. Be proud.) Because hey, prison fighting’s fun if you only have a nickel to do, right? Why not do all five years of it instead of go home in, say, two?? (*cough* DOUCHE *cough*)
16. The Prison Intellectual – These are much like real world intellectuals, only in prison many of them are posers. ‘Faux-lectuals’ if you will. The type that reads the back of all the ‘great works of literature’ and then forces all that meager literary information onto every person and into every conversation they can. (Whereas real intellectuals force MUCH literary information onto every person and into every conversation they can – begging the question, which one is truly worse?) Nearly all Prison Intellectuals have an IQ of either 40 or 140. And most of these types, especially the real intellectuals, are bitter, sarcastic and snobbish. They have very few friends and can audibly hear people groan when they walk into rooms.
M.O. – As a kid, someone continually told these people they were stupid, and either it was very true or very false – either way, they took it hard and now prove to the world that they are NOT STUPID!!
WOAH! GASP! What is this?? An extra Archetype? More than our allotted four per part?! Thank you, Asher, thank you!!
….17. The Contrarian – This guy will disagree with anything you say. No matter what. Even if it’s only in ADDING information to what you’ve already said – that’s still a disagreement based on the way he goes about it. (Douch-ily.) He must be smarter, know more, have done greater things than you – he’s that type. You can easily recognize this guy by his overuse of the word ‘Aaaactually…’ (Yes, it’s said just like that. And nasally.) This type is also known as the One-Upper, (the guy that one-ups your stories) or the Chronic Liar, (the guy who chronically lies). Note: Prison Intellectuals are almost always Contrarians too. …In fact, that’s why you got this bonus – because I realized it was another noteworthy type right after I wrote the Prison Intellectual.. 🙂
M.O. – Just like the intellectual, this guy was told he was wrong too many times and now has to prove how right he is. …Clear as day, man, clear as day.
What… what is this?!?
ANOTHER BONUS ONE??? ANOTHER BONUS ARCHETYPE?!? WOWWWIE!!
YOU, ASHER, ARE A GOD AMONG MEN!! (Indeed. Indeed I am. And thank you.)
….18. The Prison Genius – This is that really eccentric, strange, either reclusive or overly-energetic guy (AKA a ‘bug’ – though usually bugs snap out and destroy things in their frenzies), who couldn’t hack it on the outside BECAUSE of his eccentricity… oh and because of one other thing: he’s fucking BRILLIANT! Seriously, this guy is usually artistic, and makes either music or art or write books or poetry or – something artistic, as opposed to maths and sciences – and he makes these things so incredibly great that he could get paid big bucks on the outside for it were he still out. Hell, some of these guys could change the world with their abilities… and yet ironically still be unable to focus on anything but their craft for more than 10 seconds at a time. (Note: Very, very rarely you’ll find a math/science genius in prison too, but on the streets those guys are always busy in labs or something and so never commit crimes. …That or they’re just sober. OR just smart enough to not get caught for things. …Hmmm..)
Sometimes it’s the time these guys’ have in here plus the solitude that comes with it that brings out their natural Prison Genius gifts. Were they still on the streets acting foolish and getting high, they’d probably never find their niche but in here they have no distractions to keep them from it so VOILA!
‘Here ya go, world! A gift for locking me in a cage! You’re wellllcome!’ 🙂
M.O. – None that I can think of. Can you?
…Okay, that’s about it for my Prison Archetypes. I hope you have enjoyed reading these as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. A friend of mine wants me to add ‘Loners/Recluses’ and ‘Social Butterflies’ but I won’t put them in for two reasons: one – they are pretty much identical to their corresponding types in the real world (…yes, believe it or not, prison is much like high school. *hangs head in shame*), and two – I am DONE with this list! I mean seriously, FOUR parts?? How did this grow so damn outlandish??
And with that, I’m gone!
To all of you out there, I love you much and hope to both entertain you and hear from you one day! Prison’s a lonely place, you know, and I just can’t bring myself to change that from here on the inside. (hehe)
About Write A Prisoner – what are your wildest experiences on there?
Asher: Ooo, Write A Prisoner is fun. (WriteAPrisoner, for those who don’t know, is a website where people can see profiles of inmates all across the country and send them messages or letters to get to know them better.) …However, I’m actually going to answer this particular question later and pose my OWN WriteAPrisoner question, open for reader reply, first:
If I had recently, uhm, let’s say, took a liking to transsexuals (guy-to-girl, obviously), do you think I’d have any luck meeting any of them over WAP? And a better question yet – why is there no spot to mark that as a sexual preference on the WAP form?!? That’s discrimination, I say! Clearcut discrimination!
Seriously though… (I think ‘seriously though’ may become standard in my Ask Asher responses 🙂 …Seriously though, I have taken a recent liking to transsexuals. I’ve found that my lifelong vag anxiety and (relative) inexperience may be more than just anxiety-and-inexperience based – and yet – I’m not attracted to dude bodies either, so I’ve started thinking hard about what’s in between those two things and… well, I like it. I’m very interested in meeting transsexuals and getting to know them, not just wanting to bang them. 🙂
A close friend of mine tells me I just need some really nice vag-intercourse to ‘set my mind straight’ – or at least ‘re-open that door’ – (God, the euphemisms just keep cumming!), and I hope she’s right but I just don’t know. I’ve had vag intercourse twice and count neither time because I didnt even stay hard, one time not even getting fully in. I’ve had a crapton of girlfriends though, most of them prudent Christian girls, which I used to think I liked because they were so pure, but now I realize I was happy with them because one, I liked the chase, and two, because they would eventually play with my happy parts without wanting their own touched. Also, even with other girlfriends I had (the non-Christian-less-than-prudent types), I used to feel like such a selfish lover because I would get off and then not get them off. I used to think it was just because I was selfish, but these days I realize that, had they had different parts down there, I would’ve gotten them off in a heartbeat…
Anyhow, get this – there’s nothing I love more, nothing that turns me on more, than a woman’s curvy, shapely, bouncy body. 🙂 I just… I’m not into vag. (Love the T and A, just not the V. The D? I can handle, just not on a normal dude. So I want someone with T, A, and D. A fully loaded hybrid. Preferably with a centaur ass, cause those are PRRRETTTY!!!)
So yeah, help me my friends. Tell me our thoughts on the matter. (Those being the positive/supportive thoughts, I mean. If you think I’m fucked up or disgusting then I probably don’t give a shit what you have to say. 🙂 …Can I find what I’m looking for? (On WAP or other?) Is there a special transsexual out there for me?! Get back at me!
Ever-sexually yours, E
Dear Asher! I’d like to ask, are you married? Personally I’m divorced. I’d like to get back into the game, but any action by most guys is met with severe allergic reaction… What should I do? A.F.
Asher: No, I am not married. Never have been. And no, I don’t have kids. Never had any. I had a few dogs over the years but wasnt the best owner. They generally did what they wanted with no regard for anyone else. (I spoiled them. WAY too many toys and such. And one was fat cause I fed him every time he brought me his dish. Which was pretty much every time it became empty..)
Anyhow, you have a ‘severe allergic reaction’ to men? Well, I would probably suggest staying away from men altogether then, unless that reaction causes swelling and it’s in an area you like being swollen. 0:)
Seriously though, I know you, and you have more men than you can handle. And yeah, most men turn out to be assholes or pushovers in the end, but keep on goin – you’ll find a good one that meets all your needs. …If nothing else, write a prisoner. We’re good at filling relationship voids and being unable to cause drama after a break up. 🙂
That’s all for now. Lotsa love.